A theme in my practice is the leader who's struggling to repair a damaged working relationship with an employee. In most cases we start with the assumption that a better relationship is possible and that even a long-running conflict can be resolved. This usually entails the following steps in some form:

• Having both parties engage in an ongoing dialogue about the relationship.
• Identifying the behaviors and ways of working that each party finds problematic.
• Discovering how the other party is interpreting those behaviors.
• Understanding the intentions motivating those behaviors.
• Providing--and soliciting--more frequent feedback.
• Being prepared for regular setbacks.

This obviously involves a great deal of time and energy, and I'm not suggesting that leaders should always follow these steps or that they should try to fix every broken relationship. As I've noted before, one of the most common mistakes made by my clients is waiting too long "when making the difficult decision to fire someone. There were good reasons for the delay--there always are--but in hindsight they generally wish they’d acted sooner, and often all parties would have benefited." [1]

Further, if sustained underperformance by the employee is a contributing factor, then leaving them in their role may not be a kindness but a form of cruelty. As management thinker Peter Drucker once noted, "I have never seen anyone in a job for which he was inadequate who was not slowly being destroyed by the pressure and the strains, and who did not secretly pray for deliverance." [2]

But in many cases there are legitimate reasons for a leader to make a good-faith attempt, and I find that my clients typically want to try. And yet even then this work can prove exceedingly difficult, leaving the leader wondering at some point whether additional effort is warranted--and sometimes it isn't. If you're a leader facing this situation, here are some issues to consider and questions to ask yourself:

Intentions

We often assume that other people are more aware of our intentions than they really are. Or we believe that expressing our intentions once is sufficient, failing to appreciate that most messages are retained only after they've been repeated multiple times. [3]

• Is your employee aware that fixing this relationship has been a priority for you? Do they realize that you've been actively engaged in these efforts?
• If not, you need to be more explicit about what you're trying to accomplish.

Emotions

We also assume that other people are more aware of our emotions than they really are. We think what we're feeling is obvious, and yet the other person has no idea. This matters because a necessary step in the process will be an expression of vulnerability on your part as the person occupying the higher status role. [4] Why? Because vulnerability is the key to empathy, and empathy is the key to conflict resolution, but people don't naturally "empathize up" with leaders. [5]

To be clear, this does not mean that you should accept more than your share of responsibility, or fail to hold your employee accountable for their share, or seek to placate them by appearing weak. (Weakness isn't vulnerability, nor is vulnerability weakness. [6]) A starting point may simply be acknowledging that you care about this relationship and want it to to succeed. Whatever form it takes, it will almost certainly make you feel uncomfortable.

• Is your employee aware of the range of emotions you've experienced in this process? Do they realize that you've felt some vulnerability and discomfort?
• If not, you need to challenge yourself to communicate in a way that's more outwardly expressive and consistent with your inner state.

Trust